<< This picture is one I found is some jokers idea of how the Germans see the rest or Europe. I can’t take credit for it. Now on to my story

The EU crisis is all over the news all the time these days and as far as I can gather no-one has the first clue how to fix it. Certainly not me and I’m not about to even try, I am just going to have a little look at what the EU is, how it got here, what it does and why it is a broken shambles. This is not a properly serious examination, it is a simplification. If you are here for education you have come to the wrong place, maybe, however those who take the EU seriously also need mocking. This is simply my own take on events.

You may have read in some school books or seen in films there were a couple of periods of unpleasantness on the European Continent in the 20th Century. The kings and rulers wanted bigger borders so they could show off to others at drinks parties about how much land they owned. Sadly several million of the Continents poor people, with no actual issue themselves with the neighbours, had to massacre each other to prove the Kings and rulers points and help expand their boundary lines for the map makers to colour in. The first period of unpleasantness was called World War One and the Germans lost. They were made to sit in a railway carriage and promise never to start global conflagration again or else.

A little Austrian corporal from the German Army though felt this to be unfair so he convinced the other Germans the best course of action was a second crack at world domination. He also decided he didn’t like the Jewish people having all the money as they must have conned the Germans out of their savings so he had them rounded up and executed. He and his chums took all the money and treasure of the Jewish people and put it in Switzerland.

Early in the 2nd attempt at world domination the Germans invaded Russia despite promising the Russians that they wouldn’t. The Germans quickly found out that Russia was much bigger than they thought it was and at least three times as cold. They lost all their soldiers as they also underestimated the Russian capacity for brutality and suffering. This meant that when the British and the Americans decided enough was enough of all this German upstartery and they arrived at Normandy to take Europe back, the Germans had pretty much run out of soldiers.  So once again many millions of the poor people of the continent had again massacred each other to prove the little corporal and his chums where an unsavoury bunch best not left in charge of things.

This unpleasantness was called World War Two. The people of Europe that hadn’t been killed in the two World Wars, and there weren’t many left, decided that this sort of slaughter wasn’t really in anyones best interests and maybe Nationalism (which is how these things start) was not such of a great way of running a country when you live so close together.

So a few years later the Germans, being the industrious bunch that they are, decided they better make some things to sell to get the country back on track seeing as starting wars hadn’t worked out for them. The Germans are good at making things. The Germans have as their neighbours, The French, Dutch, Belgians, Luxembourgers and Italians. A nifty little trading arrangement was fashioned to give favourable terms to the neighbours. A quick glance will see who this suited most as the Dutch only make cheese, tulips and a Philishave, They have a super port though for handling raw materials to take to Germany. It’s called Rotterdam. Its huge. The Belgians only make beer, lace and chocolate, the Italians at the time just made wine and some clothes and poor quality motor vehicles. The French of course just made wine and cheese and also had a range of low quality manufacturing industries. The Germans however had many clever engineers and scientists making things that would evolve into the best manufacturing industry on Earth. Known for high quality goods made with precision and care.

Britain saw this little chummy trading deal and wanted part of the action themselves. Their allies, the French, though said non’. “We like our new friends the Germans and despite all your sacrifices for our country we are inexplicably going to do business instead with our two-time invaders”. The British persevered though and were eventually allowed to join the club. This meant of course that they had to cut trading ties with their old pals out in the Antipodes who had fought and died alongside the British in two world wars. It was a bit of  a shame that the only thing New Zealand made at the time was sheep and butter and the only people who bought it were the British. This was inconvenient and frankly a little ungrateful but the Kiwis and Aussies are an enterprising bunch and made the best of a bad deal.

So fast forward a bit and everybody wanted in. The EEC was born and became the EC, then the EU and they charged each country a king’s ransom to join the trading club. Proper countries may have made a bit more money out of belonging than they put in but no-one is really sure. Small countries were showered in ‘development’ money by the big countries so they could pretend they were a proper country rather than a holiday destination which was the reality. They could build new roads and have some ‘infrastructure projects’.

This sort of burgeoning club needs a place to park all the jobsworths who do all the rule making as the behemoth becomes a self-perpetuating monster. It was quickly agreed that Brussels being pointless, dull and ugly with large open spaces would make an excellent home for bureaucrats and the failed politicians from their own countries who made up the committee’s who manage the EU.

Although it was an impossible task given the vast range of monetary polices and attitudes towards tax and lifestyles of the European people. The EU decided to have its own money. Creatively called, ‘The Euro’. What happened next was that the people who trade in money. The people who do the scheming in the worlds financial centres to make huge fortunes for themselves by gambling with other people’s money. Saw an excellent way of playing with a new currency under the noses of people who don’t know how to run anything and can’t count. The People in charge of Europe. Remember these are people who could not make a success of themselves in their own countries. These are not nice people, they are not even very clever people. If they were they would have made a success of themselves in their own country instead of being dispatched to the EU project. These are power-hungry people with their own agenda of personal interest. These people get police outriders when they move about and there is no way back to a terraced house from there.

I am not going to discuss the Common Agricultural Policy or CAP as it would make me cry and would make you break and throw things if you knew what such a huge chunk of your tax money was being squandered upon. Just though as an indicator, the richest man in Britain gets about £750,000 a year from the EU in subsidies for owning land. Land which he charges massive rents on to people who wish to live on it. The French gardeners Farmers who potter about on their small holdings a few days a month, get about 20% of the entire EU budget of enough billions to make your eyes water, in subsidies. Seen enough? let’s move on.

As an aside Switzerland, while being in the middle of Europe, is not part of Europe. Many wonder why, but it is quite simple. If the Swiss joined they would be made to open the bank vaults so the Euro people could count the money inside. This would end in many tears and much outrage by the people whose treasure is hidden, unbeknown to them, in those vaults, probably by Merchant Bankers. There is also treasure and pillage stored by African and Middle Eastern tyrants, South American drugs lords and global tax dodgers. Also the vault owners I believe like having so much treasure in their care to keep for themselves when the thieves and tyrants die or get sent to prison forever. So the Swiss chose not to join and pretend it is something to do with neutrality.

Fast forward to the present day. A few years ago the Greeks were conned into joining the Euro by some well known Merchant Banking people who wanted to make lots of money for themselves. So they made up stories about how financially solvent Greece was to sell them to the EU as worthy members.  The Greeks do not deserve the punishment they are being asked to endure for being sold up the river by the Money men. The Greeks are being asked to give up half of their personal income to keep some Merchant Bankers in a new Mercedes every year. The EU is broken because Greece, Spain and Portugal are where you go on holiday. Ireland is where you go on holiday if you like the rain. It is not a proper country, it’s a damp island.They are not proper countries with corporate cultures. They are populated by nice people to whom family and way of life are paramount. The nice but naive people were showered with cash and loans by immoral greedy banks despite having no visible means of paying them back. The Spanish and Portugese had too many houses and developments built without anyone to sell them to. The Celtic tiger bubble was just Irish people selling houses to each other at increasingly ridiculously over-inflated prices. Italy is different because it is just run by gangsters.

The other countries have funny names with impenetrable languages and are also places you go on a city break or long weekend or something. They are not industrial power houses either. Mostly they grow people to send to England to do all the jobs the English cannot or will not do. You’ve heard much of Government bonds being bought and sold. These are just a loan, a debt. They are bought & sold by bond traders who make a killing at each end of the sale of something worthless to someone who can’t afford it. They get big bonuses on top of whopping salaries for dealing in worthless crap. The EU is broken because the people who run it are power crazed rogues and charlatans. The people who finance it are the same but also morally bankrupt. The people who make up the EU are as diverse as any continent on Earth and what should have been a neatly arranged favourable trading arrangement with the neighbours became one of the most corrupt, ill managed, badly thought out and destructive institutions on Earth. So there you have it.

I shall declare myself a Euro sceptic in case you didn’t get the hint.

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