I have realised what is wrong with the Conservative Party. Why they had been unable to wrest power from Labour in the last few elections, and had to share with the ghastly liberals in the latest one.

Most of the voters are the general public and as we all know the general public are not particularly well-informed about most things and despite the fact that in my opinion a large percentage of them shouldn’t have a vote at all, they do have a vote and take things at face value.

In New Zealand, even though we stole it from British advertising, we often use the phrase “it does what it says on the tin”

What we like to say most though is “been there done that”, or “no worries”, “or she’ll be right”, or mostly “up yours Aussie”. But back to doing what is says on the tin

Can you think of anything less inspiring, boring in fact – something you would make no effort whatsoever to be involved with – than a Conservative Party?

Would you rather go to a dinner party, or a house-warming party, a birthday party or a Conservative party?

You see back in the olden days when people were giving names to their political parties, they probably described or tried to describe a political movement or style of government or something like that. But now the public just see what the name is and its direct translation. So if you look at Labour for example, (Adopts northern accent) “It means Graft don’t it!”

All those ex coal miners and tar pit residents, the good people of coronation street and the legions of flat capped, eeyoop chooking little people with whippets and long faces who live in that grey, bleak, polluted run down urban blight that is the North of England, still vote for Labour despite the fact that not one of their ( Fill in your own opinion of Labour MP’s) representatives in the Labour party have ever done a days ‘graft’ in their lives.

Even John Prescott wasn’t a proper worker, he was a flaming Ships Steward, How would you like pressa bringing your drinks on a cruise ? take a bit of the shine off your holiday wouldn’t it? Imagine if someone had told you he would be deputy Prime Minister one day, You would have got off the cruise at the far end of it shaking your head in disbelief. That’s what you would have done! Ed Miliband looks like something that has escaped from the muppet show. Clearly the man has never had a job interview.

And before you Northerners get all uppity about me slinging off at the North, don’t bother as I watch gritty TV dramas and I went there once and I saw some of it first hand so therefore I am fully entitled to sling off at it

While I am on the subject, these terrorists, they used to keep saying “death to the supporters of Tony Blair”. Well they are all in the North are they not??  No one in the South of England apart from one poorly informed gentleman in Walton on Thames who thought he was “a safe pair of hands” voted for Tony Blair. So why bomb London?  We don’t hear much from the Jihadis these days. I guess death to the supporters of David Cameron just doesnt have the same ring to it. Tony Blair was an easy man to hate on a global scale.

On to the Liberals. Liberal??? What the hell does that mean?  To me it just means lots!  As in Liberal helpings. Currently according to that very bland man in charge of them, who doesn’t look as though he will survive until the next election let alone figure in it. It would appear as though the Liberals would like lots more taxes. So for those of you who don’t feel sufficiently shaken down by the cuts. There is an answer in the Liberals. Remember they wanted a bigger inheritance tax, higher income tax and so on.  The phrase ‘woolly headed’ only really goes well with the word liberal.

With respect to the Conservatives, not much respect mind given their very chummy relationship with the evil Murdochs and their spawn.

When was the last time a person in a singles ad described themselves as Conservative rather than GSOH, (What? as opposed to Bad SOH) or Attractive (yeah right) or bubbly (Fat). Who would reply to the Conservative person’s ad?  Librarians, that’s who! Lets look at some other examples.

It’s the Cup Final and the coach is fizzing up the boys for the most important game of their lives. “Right, get out there and be conservative”

It’s the big push and the lads are about to go over the top. “Now lads don’t forget, when faced with the hun, conserve your ammo, that’s the way to win the war”

It’s the night of the Oscars and everyone remembers the most conservative acceptance speech don’t they?

Imagine the school prize giving and Jarvis Nobody picks up the award for the most conservative pupil, walks outside and gets the sh*t kicked out of him by the normal kids.

Is there an award for the most conservative salesman?

There has not been an award in the history of the world for the most conservative anything.

Dave Cameron won an election to be the leader of the Conservative party. That makes him the most conservative of all doesn’t it?

Conservative in 2011 means mediocrity. People do not want to be mediocre; they all want to be famous. They want to be on X-Factor and Reality shows. Kim Kardashian and Imogen Thomas are their icons. They sadly are the general public they are ignorant and foolish. They only care about shopping and immediate gratification, they are happy to have a store card that charges them 29% interest to get a 10% discount. They think conservative is boring and because of that they are not ever going to vote for the conservative party

So to summarise, if you want the great unwashed to vote for you, don’t advertise yourself as being a conservative. Change the bl**dy name, Dave.

Ta