I would like to start by saying, it’s not that I don’t like horses, I don’t mind horses. I am quite indifferent to them really. They do a tremendous job of pulling the Queen around London on her really special days out and they look very smart in black carrying a bloke with a tall shiny hat at Horseguards. I don’t mind that thousands of ghastly people turn up in the most vulgar fashion displays to watch horses race each other on the big racing festival days. I am also ambivalent about the jobless or retired men who like to gather to smoke cigarettes, drink beer and gamble their paltry funds on horse races on the other non festival race days of the year to prop up the bookies and the horse racing industry. Which exists primarily to relieve men with poor judgement of their paltry funds.
I just don’t get the thing that horsey people have about horses. I have met many horses and I have never met one with a personality. I simply cannot fathom the little girls who are desperate for a pony, which they then ride round in circles under the gaze of grumpy old women wearing tweed who shout at them. Any parent whose daughter starts wishing for a pony must surely wonder what they did to deserve the pain that is to come. I am of the opinion that you are as well off standing in a field setting fire to £20 notes as you are having a horse.
I would love to know what happened to the proper horses of the old days? The ones that did cavalry charges and roared around the wild west covered in cowboys and indians whooping and hollering and shooting each other loudly. Nowadays drop a cigarette paper in the same county as a horse and it is likely to fling its rider into the nearest field in fright. When we are driving why do we have to approach the horses we meet as though the slightest hint of sudden movement will send them skittering into the wilderness trailing their rider? How do the police convince their horses that the angry rioting crowds are less frightening than a chewing gum wrapper fluttering in a hedge? Can I suggest there maybe a little earner there for the Police selling the little “stop being a ridiculous scaredy horse” booklet to prospective horse owners.
I have an issue with how horse owners move their horses around, remember these creatures carried civilisation across the continents pulling giant wagons laden with heavy wooden furniture and artillery guns. But now horse owners put them in vehicles with a speed limiter of 30 miles an hour and drive around with lines of cars 10 miles long behind them and never pull over once. Horse box and horse trailer users are the absolute bain of the nations highways. They are the most selfish people on Earth. Do you not have mirrors? Can you not see the plumes of angry steam coming from ears of the drivers in the queue behind you. Why don’t you just ride your horse near where you live? Where are you going with your horse, all the bloody time! Why do you go so slowly?
So back to horses. Rubbish pets I say. If you aren’t using your horse to relieve men with poor judgement of their paltry funds in the races you don’t need one. If you aren’t supplying expensive ponies for handsome South American men to ride while playing ball games for rich people, you don’t need one. If your home is not a yurt, you don’t need one. If you are not very wealthy indeed with large fields of your own to play with a horse in, you shouldn’t have one. If you don’t like being shouted at by grumpy old ladies wearing tweed in fields why would you get one? If you do like being shouted at by ladies in tweed you are very strange indeed.
Don’t get a cat either, cats hate you! Look at how they look at you, complete contempt!. Oh yes they’ll purr and rub against your leg but they are only there for the food. If they don’t like your food, they will bring you dismembered members of the local wildlife community they had found enjoying life in your garden. They will probably do this anyway. Cats are a terrible pet.
Dogs are what life is all about. Dogs want to please you, look after your Dog and you get unconditional love for life in return. The Dog is not there for food. We have a hound who is not greedy so you couldn’t bribe him with food if you wanted to. He does things for us because he wants to and we make a fuss when he does, so he is happy. What Dogs respond to best is encouragement and reward. None of our dogs have ever been hit and they don’t need to be. Your dog just wants to be with you and make you happy.Our dogs are our hairy children.
A horse though? A Horse just literally eats your money and pisses everyone else but you off when you move it around. When it is bored with you riding on it’s back, it will just stop moving or it will fling you to the ground. Your horse will bite people, including you. Your horse does what it wants to rather than what you want it to unless you thrash it with a small whip apparently. All horsey people have a whip in one hand as far as I can tell but they call it a riding crop. People who read the Guardian and vote liberal frown on this behaviour.
I have watched numerous girls in horse riding uniforms sitting on stationary horses that are supposed to be moving in fields at country shows. Always under the disapproving gaze of the grumpy old lady in tweeds. Why on earth do you inflict this upon yourselves and impoverish yourselves while you are at it.
So if you wish to have a horse, join the Horse Guards or get a job towing the Queen around London on her really special days out. Or become Irish and get a fast one that can make money from men with poor judgement and paltry funds who prop up the Horse racing industry.